Time to go back

The last few days have been pretty teary eyed for me. Every time I look over at Max and think about not being with him 24/7 my eyes well up. I just can't seem to help it. For the past year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, I have been with him. There are a few hours here and there that we weren't together but they aren't significant. Tomorrow I will go nine hours without him. Nine hours, 540 minutes, 32400 seconds. That's a lot to count down.

As you can guess, I am a little apprehensive about going back to work. The apprehension is primarily about how much I am going to miss Max. It's going to be terrible separation anxiety, for me that is. I don't think Max is going to be too put out. He gets to have a great summer with his dad. I get to have a great summer looking out my office window and thinking about all the fun things they are going to be doing. I think I might come down with a couple if "symptoms" over the summer. (cough cough)

I am a little apprehensive about going back to work, on the work front. It's been a year. Things have changed, things have happened. I'm going back to a boss I am not terribly fond of. What's nice is that everyone at work has been really looking forward to me coming back to work. That's a nice feeling. I am looking forward to new projects and using my brain in a completely different function. Marty says I need to go back, that it's time.

I haven't been feeling guilty, but I imagine that will come. There is no question about me staying home. It's not something that I want to do, and I know that in my heart. And there is no way we could do it financially either.

Whether I think it's time or not, it's tomorrow. Now I have to figure out what to wear, get my cycling gear organized, remember to pack deodorant and try and get to sleep. Wish me luck.

Maxim's First Birthday in Pictures

One Year Old

Dear Maxim,

Today you are one year old. It doesn't seem right. You just arrived in our lives. How can you be one already?

This past year has been one of the most challenging and rewarding of my life. The first few months were rough, especially the first few weeks when Daddy worked nights and feeding you was very difficult. Who would have guessed that you would become the big eater that you are today. The last few months have been so much fun as your personality has blossomed and you have become more mobile.

You are still a pretty laid back little guy, happy to play by yourself. You usually only cry when you are hungry or tired. You do scream now, but primarily when you are frustrated. You are completely mobile, but you have decided to take your own path and not crawl. You have perfected the bum skoot. It is one of the cutest things I have ever seen, and I love to watch you do laps around the living and kitchen with the biggest smile on your face, so proud of yourself.

Your favorite things to play with at the moment are the metal mixing bowls and magnets on the fridge. You also love to take books of the shelf and turn the pages. Often I watch you as you "read' them to yourself. I hope I have instilled in you my love of reading.

You are a chatter box. I laugh all day at your chatter, wishing I knew what you were saying. When we go out you tend to be more quiet, taking in the new environment. It takes a while for you to get comfortable, but once you do, you treat everyone with your chatter again. You can now say "Hi", "Oh-oh", "What's that?" and of course Daddy. One of your favorite books to read is My Dad. You can't wait to get to the last page and say "Daddy!", much to my chagrin.

You love to swim. You have had a love affair with water since you were born. Hopefully this love will stay with you for life. You love to eat. Hopefully your love of food will stay with you also (in a healthy way of course) and you don't stress me out and become a picky eater.

My love for you is impossible to put into words. My heart swells every time I see you, and aches every time I have to be away from you. I worry about being able to help you achieve all of your dreams and goals and try to remind myself that you are your own person and will chose your own path in life. I can only hope to be able to guide you along it.

You never cease to amaze me and I know you never will. You are my one year old boy, no longer a baby.

I love you jellybean.

Mommy

It's baaacckk!

For the past 18 months I have been pain free. Let me qualify that. My intestines have been pain free.

My IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) had been in a remission, to find lack of a better term. The honeymoon is over. Today the tell tale cramp is back. I knew it was stress related and this just reinforces that. I am anxious about going back to work and now my body is catching up with my head. Yeah. Back to the all fiber all the time diet. Ugh.

Not going as planned

This week just isn't going as I planned it. I wanted to do so many things with Max, and so far we haven't been able to do any of them.

Yesterday was swimming. I wanted to go to the wave pool with him for the last time with Olga, Meredith and Heather. Well after waking up at 5am, he melted down at 10am and needed to go to bed. Actually, so did I as I had been up since 3am. So Monday didn't work out.

Today was play group. I have been going almost every Tuesday for several months now and this was going to be my last one. I was really looking forward to it. I have met some really nice mothers and Max enjoys playing with the toys and seeing all the other kids. Why didn't we go? Max woke up at 4am today. He had a nap from 8-9:30 and then went down for his usual nap at 12:30. It's now 2:10 and he is still asleep. Play group is from 1:30-3:00.

The rest of the week should fare a little better as my plans are not time oriented. But I can't say I am not disappointed that the first two days didn't work out. If only Max knew what this week is for me, maybe he would be a little more cooperative.

One more week

This time next week I will be sitting in front of a computer. But instead of it being in my living room while watching Max do laps and chattering away, I will be sitting in my office at work. Yes, I have one more week of maternity leave.

A lot of people are asking how I am feeling. Am I looking forward to going back. Am I ready. I don't know how I am feeling, I am looking forward to going back at some moments during the day, and no I don't think I am ready.

Yesterday I felt flustered and rushed, thinking about all these things that I wanted to get done before going back. Like cleaning the basement, getting the backyard ready for summer and organizing all of Max's summer stuff. Marty kept reminding me that he is home for the summer and will get some of that stuff done, but for some reason, I feel like I should have accomplished more before going back. I had all these ideas of things I wanted to do on mat leave. Who know taking care of a child was so much work.

The more I think about it, the more I know I will be OK going back. I will enjoy the work and change of routine. Though I also know that the first few weeks will be a huge adjustment for me and I will have to get used to the ache in my heart when I leave in the morning. Marty promised to come meet me for lunch a few times over the summer.

I'm pretty sure this won't be the last post about going back to work. I figure I will get more frantic and more emotional as the week progresses. Aren't you lucky!

Bad Parenting Moment No.156: First Blood

Poor Max had a pretty rough week last week. First falling out of bed, and then falling down the stairs. Yep, he fell down two of the back stairs. The fall isn't too steep and the stairs are actually padded, but with the luck he was having, he landed on the stroller wheels for the Chariot. So not only did he have the fright of falling down stairs, he cut his head.

Needless to say, Marty and I were beside ourselves with guilt. It was one of those situations where he thought I was looking after him and I thought he was looking after him and neither of us realized that the door to the back stairs was open.

So there you have it. First blood drawn at 11 1/2 months. I think that's a pretty good track record. I realize that it pretty much is open season for bumps, lumps, bruises and more bloody body parts. No delusions over here. I just think we did pretty got for at least the first year!

Here is Max about a half hour later. He's over it. Marty and I, well lets say we are still kissing the bobo better. I think more to ease our guilty consciouses, than for Max's benefit.

Visiting friends

I love having good friends. The kind that you don't talk to every week, but when you do see them, you just fall into your routine, help yourself to the food in the fridge and put your feet up on the couch. Josee and Brian are those kind of friends.

The trip down was great. Max slept almost the entire time, I got to sing to some great music and the weather was spectacular. I hate the drive to Montreal, it's just so boring. When we arrived, Olivia was at daycare, so Jo and I had the chance to chat while Max enjoyed the freedom of a long hallway to skoot down. When Olivia came home she was super shy and wouldn't even look at me or Max. I figured it would just take a little time to get reacquainted.

It was so gorgeous out we decided we needed to leave the house. So we went shopping. Now wait, before you get up on your horse, we went outdoor shopping. I had my first experience at Quartier Dix-30. This place is the future of big box stores, and the ultimate suburban shopping experience. I would describe it as a village of stores, with hotel, spa and movie theater. Very pleasant on a beautiful Spring afternoon, but I can't imagine it being a very popular place in the middle of January. Supposedly they have open air concerts and free hot chocolate in the winter to encourage people to come. I enjoyed being able to window shop outside on a beautiful day, and also bought a pair of pants for work (that makes 2 now!) and a couple of books for Max. It was definitely very popular with the mommy crowd.

Anyway, back to the purpose of this post, my visit. Once Olivia had been around me for a little while, she warmed right up and then just wanted to be with me, play with me and talk to me. She would actually tell Josee that she didn't want her to talk to me anymore. Max just loved her and skooted his little butt off following her around and laughed every time she got near him. Maybe it's the hair.

We did lots of reading and hanging out. Max went down so quickly from skooting around so much, he couldn't even finish his bottle. Josee and I weren't much better, both barely being able to watch a little TV after the kids were down.


I wish I could say Max stayed asleep all night and I had a blissful night. Max woke up at about 10:00. The playpen that I brought was the small one, which is really too small for him. So I took him out and brought him to bed with me. I got up to try and fix the blind while Max squirmed back to sleep and then I heard it. Bad Parenting Moment No.142: Max fell out of bed. He cried for all of 30 seconds and then fell back to sleep. This freaked me out. Needless to say, I didn't get a great night sleep.

6:30 Max was awake and there was no turning back. I could hear that Jo and Olivia were up, so I decided to face the day. Max and Olivia played some more, I got to have a shower (yeah!) and a nice breakfast chatting with Jo. Max started to show he was really tired at 9:30, so I decided to pack it in and head home, thinking the bulk of the rush hour traffic was done. I tend to try and believe that there are moments during the day when the traffic is not bad in Montreal. We got stuck for about 20 minutes, which isn't really that bad. Max fell asleep before we hit the highway, only to wake up after we got through the traffic and still had a 2 hour drive ahead of us. Many Raffi songs and nearly running out of gas later, we made it home.

It was a great visit and I don't really know why I waited until 2 weeks before heading back to work to do it!

Follow the Cheerio Trail

Max's butt skootch in action.

Sugar Shack

This weekend we went to the Sugar Shack. Or to be correct la Cabane a sucre, since we were in Quebec. It was a real food mill one, where they herd you in like cattle and roll you out. The food came fast and furious and it was all good. Ham, eggs, sausages, baked beans, les oreilles de chris (which is basically deep fried pig fat, and my personal favorite), potatoes and pancakes. They didn't have any split pea and ham soup, which didn't upset me too much as I am not an enormous fan. And of course to finish it all off sugar tart and pudding au chaumeur (cake with melted maple butter over top is the easiest way to describe it).
Max ate his weight in ham, potatoes and beans. You can imagine the diapers I have changed today.

I think he was afraid Ron was going to steal some of his food.

There were a few Cabane a sucre virgins, Dan and Heather among them. As you can tell by their slight deer-caught-in-the-headlights look, they were a little overwhelmed at first but assured me by the end of the night that they enjoyed themselves. After we all had to undo the top button of our jeans, we headed out to pull some taffy. This is when they pour hot maple syrup over snow and you twirl it onto popsicle sticks. Hmmmm...

It is a tradition from my childhood and I am really glad to be living in an region of Canada that I can continue the tradition with my family. It was a great evening and now I am good until the sap starts to flow next year.